


How Can I Live Without You?

by MoominJaye



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-12
Packaged: 2018-04-14 09:19:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4559202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoominJaye/pseuds/MoominJaye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil witnesses his worst nightmare.</p>
<p>But is it just a nightmare?</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Can I Live Without You?

I don't really know what I'm doing here but I know it is serious. One of the men in front of me, who is wearing a respectable business-man suit is extremely intimidating. I vaguely remember being summoned.

"Mr Lester, we need you to come with us." They had said, although I couldn't quite remember who 'they' were.

The other man is wearing a shirt and tie, but is covered in a lab coat. It had a very cold aura resonating from it, he had a not-so-crafty comb-over whereas the other had barely a reseeding hairline, even though he was clearly in his 40's at least. The pair were very... unwelcoming, to say the least.

The three of us are walking down a long pristine hallway, which reminded me of a hospital, but was very cold, a lot darker and didn't look like a place where people were to get better.

Where is Dan? I was really getting nervous and I wanted Dan to comfort me, tell me everything was ok and hold my hand, I instinctively role my fingers into my palm, trying to wish him here with my mind but that didn't seem to work, the area beside me was filled with cold air and nothing else.

The two men have now stopped, right outside a door to a lab, I think.

"Now Mr Lester," The one in the suit starts, "please take as much time as you need, I know this might be quite hard for you."

I think I know what is going on... I hope I'm wrong though.

I nod however and the one in the lab coat opens the door to let us all inside.

Like I guessed, the room resembled similarly to that of a laboratory. Pristine walls and floor, a specked table with many flasks, beakers and test tubes scattered around haphazardly. It looks like a lab you would see at school except there are a lot more equipment and sharp tools and in the centre of the room is something covered in a thin white cloth.

I was right again.

I had one guess as to what- no, _who_ was under that cloth, and it made my stomach churn. I didn't want to do this, I felt sick already.

I still walk over to the table however, shaking like a leaf, the man in the lab coat put his hand on my shoulder to comfort me but it doesn't help, in fact, it makes me feel worse... knowing that the one man who was the most successful in calming me down may be under this cloth.

"Ready?" Suit guy asked, and after swallowing an excessive amount of saliva I nodded.

Lab coat guy took his hand off my shoulder to pull down the cloth.

There is was. There _he_ was. Hair a beautiful chocolate brown which I remembered running my fingers through on lazy mornings where we wouldn't get out of bed until 2, or when he would sit between my legs on the sofa as we watched Netflix until ungodly hours of the morning, one of my hands intertwined with his fingers and the other stroking through his hair as if he was a pet. His lips that were too pale now, and resting in a permanent frown, I reminisce the times when we would laugh so hard at stupid things that weren't that funny but to us the most entertaining. The two moles on his cheek that would make his dimple look sad. His long eyelashes were resting on his too pale cheeks, and I recall his beautiful eyes which he would always show me them filled with love.

A part of me wanted to believe that he was just sleeping, but I know that was stupid. The right side of his face had been scraped like he had skidded across concrete and he had a split down his lip, and stitches on his forehead.

The recognition took seconds, and as soon as it did I felt my insides retch and I was bending over the floor watching in pain as my stomach content splattered across the once clean floor.

The rest went in a blur. I felt so numb, everyone seemed to be moving so fast and I was stuck in time, stuck in denial and disbelief. I was sent home. I sat on his floor wrapped up in his duvet for days, not getting up. Then there was the funeral, I looked as dead as Dan... Then I went back to the empty apartment. On my own. Hours became days which became weeks. I sat there, I think PJ had to come over to make sure I ate. I don't really remember much.

  
The next thing I knew I was waking up in bed.

Thank God! It was a dream. A really messed up nightmare.

I turned over, I wanted to hug the hell out of Dan, but the other side of the bed was empty.

What?

It felt like a dream, it was way to surreal... but... that might have just been grief-filled memories.

The moment of relief was short lived when I thought that.

I then burst into tears. I'm surprised I didn't cry earlier, but the tears were soaking my pillow, they felt sharp, like they were stabbing at my chest while they formed, I felt like I was going to be sick again, my stomach churned again and the feeling was the worst, the realisation that I would never see Dan again, the love of my life. This couldn't be real. Could it?

It must have been about 2 hours that I was lying there, and not once did I stop crying, until now, when I was crying dry tears. I had no water left, my head was killing and I felt so drained.

This needed to stop.

I think I finally saw sense in that moment. I couldn't keep living like this, this wasn't even living! Dan wouldn't want this for me... but Dan was gone... No! I needed to get better, I need to live in his memory, I need to get on with my life for him, even if I wish it was with him...

I got up and decided my first mode of action would be to get a drink of water. One step at a time.

I picked up my phone and looked at myself from my front facing camera, I looked terrible, my eyes were red and puffy and my face was red, blotchy and sticky from salty tears. I was a mess. I put my phone down and stood up, my legs were weak from all my energy being on crying my eyes out, but I got up and went to the kitchen. Everything seemed normal, as if Dan could walk through that door and hug my from behind as I pour myself breakfast. That wouldn't happen though.

I grabbed a glass and filled it with water, taking small sips, it tasted gross in my mouth, like it does when I'm ill, but I knew I needed it so I carried on drinking it. It took me a while to drink it, I was concentrating fully on it, as to keep my mind from wondering to more dangerous lands.

That's when I heard it. The door was opening. I quietly placed the glass down and carefully wondered to the stairs, terrified, I was in no state of mind to fend off burglars, I just hoped it was PJ or something.

The intruder was climbing the stairs, I could hear them carrying something.

They finally reached the corner of the stairs...

I was staring like a dear in headlights, staring into those all too familiar brown eyes...

"D-Dan?" My voice was raspy and shaky.

"Er, yeah, who else would it be you spoon." Dan laughed, his voice like a miracle, something I never would have thought I would hear again.

It had been a dream.

Just a dream.

It was only a dream.

Oh God.

_Oh, God._

He was here.

Alive...

I collapsed on the floor and started crying again, chanting 'Oh God' over and over.

"Phil?!" Dan dropped the shopping bags he was carrying and ran up the stairs two at a time before almost sliding along the floor until his arms were wrapped around me and my head was in the crook of his neck, I cried into him and took in his scent, something else I thought I wouldn't be able to do again.

He was stroking my hair and whispering reassuring words into my fringe, and occasionally kissing my forehead.

My tears died down but we stayed their in silence for a long moment, but I wasn't complaining, not one bit. Dan was here, he was alive again and I know he never died in the first place but it was like he had come back for me and it was the greatest moments of my life, knowing that I wasn't alone anymore.

"Is there any chance of you telling me why you burst into tears at the sight of my, or is it just because of my stunningly good looks."

I laughed and it felt so good to feel happy again.

"I-I dreamt that you died, and when I woke up you weren't here." I explained, my voice still hoarse.

"Oh! Oh Phil!" He tightened his grip around me. "Phil, oh my God I am so sorry! I was going to leave a note or something but I totally forgot, if I had known you-"

"Dan, no, you weren't to know, how could you? No, I'm just happy it was a dream." I shushed him, he would still probably feel terrible for at least the rest of the day though, but I didn't want him to, I just wanted to hug on the sofa until ungodly hours of the morning with him, and I don't think I'd be able to let him out of my sight for a while but he was here and that is all that mattered.

"I love you Dan. I want you to know that, in case you do die." I shot up and sternly stared him in the eyes, "But you're not allowed to die, ok?"

"I wasn't planning on it." He said and pulled me into a hug again. "And I love you too, Phil."


End file.
